Realizing a life-long problem…June 2nd, 2008
As I realize the distruction of yet another relationship, not even so serious just a sweet regular quirky guy that lived in New Haven,who was not married,wasnt a partier, just liked to play pool, cook and who listened to me and didnt talk to my boobs...and I drove him off, but why am I surprised? I have had relationship problems for as long as I can remember. I never felt safe, never felt like, the person would NOT leave, and as a result, they always did. Its funny, I always knew I had abandonment issues but never as much as when I read it in print, there it was my life in black and white in excerpts from a book called ,what else, but “Fear of Abandonment”? Ugh, as I read on I started to cry realizing that all my life I had continued this same pattern, and driving everyone off. When I was about six my Mother who I love dearly yanked me and my sisters away from our father,driving up to Meyers Corners with a station wagon packed with all my clothes and toys and my Sisters with Grandpa driving, the teacher told me to get my things because I was leaving, and all the little kids came over to give me a hug and said “goodbye”, I was like “Where is Daddy” My Mom said he is not coming with us, so we left my Dad, with no goodbye never to see him again, my Dad was my best friend, he used to take me riding on the back of his motorcycle,was in the middle of teaching me to ride a bicylcle, he used to talk to me and call me “lil shortie” He was my best friend. I never saw him again until I was 15 years old by this time My Daddy was a bitter angry stranger who reminded me how much my he hated my Mother for breaking up our family and that I looked exactly like her. When I was little and we were separated from Dad, I remember calling, and calling him and writing him letters, never any answer, at one point my Grandmother said, “Your Father doesnt answer because he doesnt love you anymore” I kept calling and calling, then the phone bill came and the phone was taken off the wall. But that was not what had really happened , I found out , much later in my life, that what I thought was abandonment was actually a court order for him not to seek contact with us. And that he had been arrested four times for trying to see us girls.This was a horrible devastation in my life, made me not trust, even my Mom, My Grandparents, they were all in on it, they were all people who had decived me and kept me from my beloved Dad. Its amazing the things you can learn about yourself when you dig into the past no matter how painful it is. Granted my Father was a cad who cheated on my Mom and was irresponsible with bills and taking care of us all, but somehow, those things seemed so small after I lifetime with no guidance. I realize now being older than my parents were when they spilt how hard it is to stay together with someone, how hard it is to be patient and live up to your vows and to pay all your bills on time. Life is a stresser, especially without foundation. My Grandparents raised me to be scared of everything from water to White people. No more adventure like with my Dad, nothing but my room, school and books, I was not even allowed to have female friends,(especially because they were white), we were in an all white community it was hellish, in the place we left there was diversity, Asian kids, one kid from France, African kids, everyone! At Grandmas, nobody looked like us, nobody at all. I ran away when I was 8, 10, 14, and 16, and 17, 17 I never came home, didnt feel like one anyway. Oh well its in the past now and the damage can be healed Im including the article that I read to possibly help anyone else reading…
Recognizing And Dealing With Abandonment Issues
By Monica Flink
The eventual loss of someone close to you is a natural part of life. Whether that person dies, or simply moves away, there are always feelings of fear that you will be alone to deal with the difficulties of life. But, when this fear of always being alone, or left by the people you love begins to interfere with your life, it could be fear of abandonment. Many people suffer from some form of abandonment issues, whether it is something they recognize or not.The insecurity associated with a fear of abandonment can ruin relationships, create distance between people and prevent an individual from living a normal life. Recognizing the symptoms of a person who suffers from fear of abandonment and knowing how to cope with the condition are the first steps in determining if you or a loved one need help.What Is Fear Of Abandonment?Simon Hearn, PhD is a registered psychologist who has written several articles about psychological disorders including his article on Denisboyd.com entitled “Fear of Abandonment.” Hearn describes fear of abandonment as a psychological disorder where the individual suffering from this illness cannot control the fear that he or she feels when faced with the idea of having to cope with life and its difficulties alone.Anyone can be diagnosed with fear of abandonment; it is not age or gender specific. Men and women have been equally diagnosed with fear of abandonment, and it is very prevalent in children as well, especially children who have parents who are physically present, but emotionally unavailable. The foundation for fear of abandonment can be set in childhood, but will not manifest until the individual is on his or her own in the world, no longer supported in any way by adults or parents.Hearn continues to describe fear of abandonment as, “Deep down all of us want to be grown up, balanced and mature; we just don’t know how and are sometimes scared.” With this in mind, he suggests that fear of abandonment can be treated with therapy, as long as the individual suffering from the fear of abandonment is willing to use the therapist as a pillar to lean against while learning to be self-sufficient. Of course, an individual cannot get help for fear of abandonment without knowing the symptoms of this mental disorder.Symptoms of Abandonment IssuesWhen threatened with the thoughts of being alone, someone who suffers from fear of abandonment will act out with the symptoms that mark most people who are battling this illness. Whether these symptoms are brought out by the compulsive behavior of the person who has a fear of abandonment or just their imagined desertion, there are different levels of each symptom from severe to slightly altered.All of these symptoms can create an unsteady mental state and interfere with the daily lives of someone who experiences them. These symptoms can include:Reaching Out – Someone who suffers from fear of abandonment may reach out for anyone whom he or she has a relationship with. This may lead to unhealthy relationships, or simply the individual’s worst fear, which is driving away the person he or she is clinging to.
Symptoms
Panic – Panicking over small indiscretions is another sign of fear of abandonment. Hearn writes that someone who is suffering from fear of abandonment may call frequently if the person they are clinging to is late, fails to pick up the phone, or call right back. The panicking can lead to other compulsive behavior, such as threatening self harm.Emotional Blackmail – Threatening to harm ones self is a sign of desperation for someone suffering from fear of abandonment. Someone who wants to keep the person they are clinging to with them may threaten: “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” or a similar threat to their person, simply to use this emotional blackmail as a reason to continue the relationship.Complacent Disposition – Many times, Hearn suggests, people suffering from an abandonment complex may become complacent to keep people from leaving. This could involve behavior such as taking on the hardest or most disgusting household chores or sexual activity even when the individual does not want it. This can even expand to the behavior of someone who is always the life of the party, who feels he or she must keep everyone entertained or no longer be asked to participate.Leaving Relationships – In an attempt to keep from being rejected or abandoned, someone suffering from fear of abandonment may bounce from relationship to relationship, so that he or she is the one who is doing the rejecting. Even if the relationship is going well, the sufferer may be compelled to leave the relationship, feeling as if it is only a matter of time before something goes wrong.
Professional Help – The first thing that anyone suffering from fear of abandonment should do is seek professional help. Psychological physicians know how to help better than anyone else.
As I realize the distruction of yet another relationship, not even so serious just a sweet regular quirky guy that lived in New Haven,who was not married,wasnt a partier, just liked to play pool, cook and who listened to me and didnt talk to my boobs...and I drove him off, but why am I surprised? I have had relationship problems for as long as I can remember. I never felt safe, never felt like, the person would NOT leave, and as a result, they always did. Its funny, I always knew I had abandonment issues but never as much as when I read it in print, there it was my life in black and white in excerpts from a book called ,what else, but “Fear of Abandonment”? Ugh, as I read on I started to cry realizing that all my life I had continued this same pattern, and driving everyone off. When I was about six my Mother who I love dearly yanked me and my sisters away from our father,driving up to Meyers Corners with a station wagon packed with all my clothes and toys and my Sisters with Grandpa driving, the teacher told me to get my things because I was leaving, and all the little kids came over to give me a hug and said “goodbye”, I was like “Where is Daddy” My Mom said he is not coming with us, so we left my Dad, with no goodbye never to see him again, my Dad was my best friend, he used to take me riding on the back of his motorcycle,was in the middle of teaching me to ride a bicylcle, he used to talk to me and call me “lil shortie” He was my best friend. I never saw him again until I was 15 years old by this time My Daddy was a bitter angry stranger who reminded me how much my he hated my Mother for breaking up our family and that I looked exactly like her. When I was little and we were separated from Dad, I remember calling, and calling him and writing him letters, never any answer, at one point my Grandmother said, “Your Father doesnt answer because he doesnt love you anymore” I kept calling and calling, then the phone bill came and the phone was taken off the wall. But that was not what had really happened , I found out , much later in my life, that what I thought was abandonment was actually a court order for him not to seek contact with us. And that he had been arrested four times for trying to see us girls.This was a horrible devastation in my life, made me not trust, even my Mom, My Grandparents, they were all in on it, they were all people who had decived me and kept me from my beloved Dad. Its amazing the things you can learn about yourself when you dig into the past no matter how painful it is. Granted my Father was a cad who cheated on my Mom and was irresponsible with bills and taking care of us all, but somehow, those things seemed so small after I lifetime with no guidance. I realize now being older than my parents were when they spilt how hard it is to stay together with someone, how hard it is to be patient and live up to your vows and to pay all your bills on time. Life is a stresser, especially without foundation. My Grandparents raised me to be scared of everything from water to White people. No more adventure like with my Dad, nothing but my room, school and books, I was not even allowed to have female friends,(especially because they were white), we were in an all white community it was hellish, in the place we left there was diversity, Asian kids, one kid from France, African kids, everyone! At Grandmas, nobody looked like us, nobody at all. I ran away when I was 8, 10, 14, and 16, and 17, 17 I never came home, didnt feel like one anyway. Oh well its in the past now and the damage can be healed Im including the article that I read to possibly help anyone else reading…
Recognizing And Dealing With Abandonment Issues
By Monica Flink
The eventual loss of someone close to you is a natural part of life. Whether that person dies, or simply moves away, there are always feelings of fear that you will be alone to deal with the difficulties of life. But, when this fear of always being alone, or left by the people you love begins to interfere with your life, it could be fear of abandonment. Many people suffer from some form of abandonment issues, whether it is something they recognize or not.The insecurity associated with a fear of abandonment can ruin relationships, create distance between people and prevent an individual from living a normal life. Recognizing the symptoms of a person who suffers from fear of abandonment and knowing how to cope with the condition are the first steps in determining if you or a loved one need help.What Is Fear Of Abandonment?Simon Hearn, PhD is a registered psychologist who has written several articles about psychological disorders including his article on Denisboyd.com entitled “Fear of Abandonment.” Hearn describes fear of abandonment as a psychological disorder where the individual suffering from this illness cannot control the fear that he or she feels when faced with the idea of having to cope with life and its difficulties alone.Anyone can be diagnosed with fear of abandonment; it is not age or gender specific. Men and women have been equally diagnosed with fear of abandonment, and it is very prevalent in children as well, especially children who have parents who are physically present, but emotionally unavailable. The foundation for fear of abandonment can be set in childhood, but will not manifest until the individual is on his or her own in the world, no longer supported in any way by adults or parents.Hearn continues to describe fear of abandonment as, “Deep down all of us want to be grown up, balanced and mature; we just don’t know how and are sometimes scared.” With this in mind, he suggests that fear of abandonment can be treated with therapy, as long as the individual suffering from the fear of abandonment is willing to use the therapist as a pillar to lean against while learning to be self-sufficient. Of course, an individual cannot get help for fear of abandonment without knowing the symptoms of this mental disorder.Symptoms of Abandonment IssuesWhen threatened with the thoughts of being alone, someone who suffers from fear of abandonment will act out with the symptoms that mark most people who are battling this illness. Whether these symptoms are brought out by the compulsive behavior of the person who has a fear of abandonment or just their imagined desertion, there are different levels of each symptom from severe to slightly altered.All of these symptoms can create an unsteady mental state and interfere with the daily lives of someone who experiences them. These symptoms can include:Reaching Out – Someone who suffers from fear of abandonment may reach out for anyone whom he or she has a relationship with. This may lead to unhealthy relationships, or simply the individual’s worst fear, which is driving away the person he or she is clinging to.
Symptoms
Panic – Panicking over small indiscretions is another sign of fear of abandonment. Hearn writes that someone who is suffering from fear of abandonment may call frequently if the person they are clinging to is late, fails to pick up the phone, or call right back. The panicking can lead to other compulsive behavior, such as threatening self harm.Emotional Blackmail – Threatening to harm ones self is a sign of desperation for someone suffering from fear of abandonment. Someone who wants to keep the person they are clinging to with them may threaten: “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself” or a similar threat to their person, simply to use this emotional blackmail as a reason to continue the relationship.Complacent Disposition – Many times, Hearn suggests, people suffering from an abandonment complex may become complacent to keep people from leaving. This could involve behavior such as taking on the hardest or most disgusting household chores or sexual activity even when the individual does not want it. This can even expand to the behavior of someone who is always the life of the party, who feels he or she must keep everyone entertained or no longer be asked to participate.Leaving Relationships – In an attempt to keep from being rejected or abandoned, someone suffering from fear of abandonment may bounce from relationship to relationship, so that he or she is the one who is doing the rejecting. Even if the relationship is going well, the sufferer may be compelled to leave the relationship, feeling as if it is only a matter of time before something goes wrong.
Professional Help – The first thing that anyone suffering from fear of abandonment should do is seek professional help. Psychological physicians know how to help better than anyone else.
