The Preliminary Round - Comedians 19-20

So many idiots so little time...HPN White Plains Airport Diner

Traveling is not a privledge like it used, to be its a nessecity for work, we have to get there! So when I see something that makes travel even more aggravating it pisses me off. Let me ask you something, If you are at the airport and you are waiting on a flight in "air-port" diner and the announcements are turned down so low they are just an annoying rattle like Charlie Browns teacher, wouldnt you be aggravated? Especially on a day like today when the weather is sketchy.... I asked the waitress why they wouldnt turn it up loud enough to just be audible ( to get announcements of boarding, delays and missing passengers) and she said she was "not allowed", so I said "why?"
She said the manager said so. I said well let me ask him then. I asked this man who showed up who was clearly only there to translate to the staff , (but thats beside the point) I said, "why is that speaker on at all if its in-audible?" He said "we are not allowed, we are in the restaurant business, not the airport business. I couldnt believe he could say it with a strait face! I was like "what? you are in the airport business, if the airport wasnt here, we wouldnt be here and.....i paused , this is useless, just go back to your important restaurant business, dont let me disturb you." and this is a three floor, one gate airport, so......
Maybe now you see what I mean....and people wonder why we have an economy problem? because people who ARE working are idiots and fuck up the lives of other people who are trying to GET to work with there bull-crap!

Well Im back from the Family Cruise!

Probably the longest stretch of time ive ever been at sea! Ok first, my room was below sea-level and i can swear I heard whales moaning at night, second drinks were high although I did manage to smuggle two 6 liters of liquor onto the ship, dont ask me how (heh, heh) I wasnt paying attention really but this cruise was Saturday to Saturday! omg! That is a long friggin time! Although it was annoying it was ultimately good for my career I met great people and hopefully more people to follow me either on twitter or literally ( i see you out there in the bushes you freak). Why is Basketball Wives called Basketball wives? Those bitches are all divorced! Anyhoo back to the cruise, everytime I met a sexy guy, I HAD to give them my number like a desperate bitch because that boat was like three malls on top of eachother and I literally never saw alot of people again!
The boat was rocking, and rolling, and the food was coming up more than staying down. I sang some horrible kareoke, my feet swelled up like little pickeled pigs feet in a jar thats too small. oddly enough- I think I am the first chick in history to have LOST wieght on a cruise shit, whoops i mean cruise ship. I did face alot of fears this past week, number one a fear of cruise ships, a fear of the ocean, a fear of water slides.....my fear of Jamaica was justified, Im sorry but that shit was just too poor, I felt like shit , I was trying to buy and support but when this dude tried to look like he was comin for my Moms bag....that was it bumbaklot seriously
fuck ocho rios.

Ageism is running rampant!

Lisa Rinna is a mothter of two and she wears a sexy evening gown and she is told to "put it away", Madonna a style ICON and Fashion Royalty , is dissed for wearing thigh high boots and minidresses? Who the fuck do these people think they are? I mean little girls are wearing next to nothing in videos before their 18th birthday , but Milfs get dissed for dressing sexy? If you work hard on your body and you look good you can rock a mini at any age!
We are a world obsessed with underage ass. Its so disgusting.

Wow Mixed Messages ! Sex, Fashion, Milfs, Cougars and Teens

I was watching this new show called THE TALK, and out the box Lea Remini said what all my male friends say is the worst part about marriage and children. She was talking about sex and staying married for 17 years and how she "makes it work", she said on national TV she has sex with her hubby as a "reward" and she no longer has oral sex with him because "IM A MOTHER NOW, MOTHERS DONT DO THAT SORT OF THING"...What a mans nightmare! I mean every woman who is out heare paying all her own shit, strugglin, would not mind giving her man a hummer if he was taking care of the house, some women actually enjoy it! I hate these shows that have a panel of dry-crotched, suddenly nunnery women who are former just slutty chicks who got married had a baby and now they are holier than thou! I mean do you think Lea's husband got dissed by his buddies when she said that?
"your wife NEVER blows you , she said so on TV" how can he live that one down?
That should be something you shouldnt do to your man- i mean really! She acted like licking his dick was the grossest thing she ever had to do to get married!
Ugh-these bitches, gimme a break ok?

The fly trap.....

I just got back in from Vegas and I walked into my condo and I was greeted by a huge-ass fly whizzin by my face. I went into the kitchen more flies, bathroom more friggin flies! I was like is this Ethiopia west? What the fuck, So I remembered what happpend when I was on this movie set and they had one of those fruit sculptures on the set in Richmond Virginia and there were so many damn flies that it was interferring with the filming, like landing on actresses lipgloss and cleavage, just regugitation everywhere. Ew! So they sent some guy from crafty to Home Depot to get some flytraps and they worked wonders. So I thought thats what I need. I went and got it it said ad water and wait 2 to 5 hours and then the trap will produce a scent thats attractive to the fly, so I set up and left. About 2am I got back here and OHHH my Gosh! It smelled like Vaginitis in here! I was like did some robber break in here and clean a fish in here while i was gone? So I immediately commmenced to play a round of "find the smell" and I couldnt find it right away. Then I used logic and said whats new in the house? The FLY TRAP!
Little did I know that inside the fly trap that really did kill every fly and fruit fly in my place, but when I opened it to see where the stench was comin from I saw FISH EGGS! WTF! Fish eggs? That is what they used in a fly trap? so damn gross. So as a word to the wise, dont ever, use those heavy duty fly traps in the house only use them in the yard....unless you dont mind your crib smellin like a bad case of vaginitis..

my Top 5 Things that need to be 24hours!

1. THE OBGYN! any woman reading knows there is always a 6-8 week backlog for an appointment- even in an emergency!

2. THE NAIL SALON! i need a manicure as soon as a break a nail since I still use glass acrylic it can be used as a weapon when it breaks and can really cut someone.

3. THE PSYCHIATRIST! crazy people need their meds all times of day and night.

4. THE HAIR SALON! like the OBGYN the wait is ridiculous

5. THE EXTERMINATOR cuz mice tend to sleep during the day.